Life is scary. And very much good. I feel like I’m finally facing my fears and, might I add to the cliché’, not easily done. I have this theory on Tucson, that people come here to isolate themselves. Which, in turn, has been a big slap in the cheeks. If you have ever run away to find oneself, you know that you have ideas of self-realization… a time for personal perspective, which is very much my life, every-single-day. It’s overwhelming, to say the least. I have a lack of normalcy. Nothing is familiar. Everything is new and harsh and welcomed. I guess there is a reason why people feel that paying for therapy is worth it… it’s easier than doing it on your own, let me tell ya. I miss people who know me.
I miss people knowing my history. Which is right the reason I left. I was sick of everyone knowing all my biz, all my mistake, and making judgements. All that what people had made their minds up to be who I was. I felt stifled in to this box that I had no room to change or grow in. But now I face a new dilemma. Proving myself… constantly. My guard is never down. I’m not use to this. In Salt Lake, everyone already had a concept of who Keri was.
I envy Hannah… bathing in the hot sandy sun. Her thoughts are simple: life is complete, and wild and blessed.
I washed my bedding today, drinking a Dos X as I write. I hung them out to dry on our wash line in the backyard. My neighborhood is quiet, aside from the bickering swallows and the chickens trying to peck food from the heated ground.
I want my mind to be at ease. ( I say that, but really… I instigate the battle that is continuous) I’ve been in survival mode since birth. Mom’s been married 3 times and I’ve lived in many unknown places. You’d think I would be good at mindlessly meeting people and letting surface be the all end of who I wish them to know. But the older I get the more I come to realize that these ‘friendships’ are not needed and I’d much rather sit on my porch with my conflicting thoughts than spout a bunch of nonsense at someone who isn’t listening anyhow.
Now, don’t find this depressing… it really isn’t. I find it liberating to have a soul that cares. That those whom are close to me will always see a real person. Good and bad… take her for what she is. Human interaction is wanted but certainly not needed. Living here is most defiantly a challenge for myself. To hold true to who I am, and not let others influence how I should or shouldn’t be. To stick to a plan for once and excel.
I’m pretty brilliant. But now instead of trying to convince others, I’m trying to convince myself.
I miss you Salt Lake.
