I put her in her new trailer and biked her throughout the river trail in search for a far away dog park I saw once upon a ride. The desert is in bloom and smells so fresh. I know these colors wont last long, so I took my time… taking pictures, picking flowers, stopping to sit with a tree to write, letting Hannah run around and roll in the hot dirt. I have a lot to be thankful for, like the fat bee’s that surrounded me today buzzing spring secrets into my ear. I want to be a better person every day. And days like today are a peaceful little reminder that I certainly capable of doing exactly what I want with my life, joyfully so.

Eventually we made it to the park to meet new Hannah friends. I sat away from weirdo park people and lusted selfishly over Hannah, watching her pounce unsuspecting pups, scooping sticks to show off, and panting in shade dwellings. We didn’t stay long, even though this particular park was well designed and well-maintained, I was scared of the ‘dog’ people… who talk about their dogs. I wasn’t in the mood to try to pretend to care about what pedigree their dogs were. I wanted to ride and this time it was H’s time to run along with.

I decided to join in on the spoilings, and took us to Trader Joe’s for lunch pickerupers and ice coffee. I bought my side kick a juicy bone and for me… pineapple. We got back on the trail to find us a picnic table and more flowers to bond with. We cuddle together under a new tree and enjoyed our treats in silence, watching the gofers pop up and out of the ground, playing chase.

She did so good and now sleeps dead near my lap. Soon, we’ll hit the road again to a new park with a library.

I love you life. I can hack it. I’m big.

I miss people knowing my history. Which is right the reason I left. I was sick of everyone knowing all my biz,  all my mistake, and making judgements. All that what people had made their minds up to be who I was. I felt stifled in to this box that I had no room to change or grow in. But now I face a new dilemma. Proving myself… constantly. My guard is never down. I’m not use to this. In Salt Lake, everyone already had a concept of who Keri was.

I envy Hannah… bathing in the hot sandy sun. Her thoughts are simple: life is complete, and wild and blessed.

I washed my bedding today, drinking a Dos X as I write. I hung them out to dry on our wash line in the backyard. My neighborhood is quiet, aside from the bickering swallows and the chickens trying to peck food from the heated ground.

I want my mind to be at ease. ( I say that, but really… I instigate the battle that is continuous) I’ve been in survival mode since birth. Mom’s been married 3 times and I’ve lived in many unknown places.  You’d think I would be good at mindlessly meeting people and letting surface be the all end of who I wish them to know. But the older I get the more I come to realize that these ‘friendships’ are not needed and I’d much rather sit on my porch with my conflicting thoughts than spout a bunch of nonsense at someone who isn’t listening anyhow.

Now, don’t find this depressing… it really isn’t. I find it liberating to have a soul that cares. That those whom are close to me will always see a real person. Good and bad… take her for what she is. Human interaction is wanted but certainly not needed. Living here is most defiantly a challenge for myself. To hold true to who I am, and not let others influence how I should or shouldn’t be. To stick to a plan for once and excel.

I’m pretty brilliant. But now instead of trying to convince others, I’m trying to convince myself.

I miss you Salt Lake.

Choices narrow as I forage for light.

I gave you a standing ovation as you entered the room. I try to absorb the storm of polysyllables. I try to understand the words with my name in front of them. You urge me to listen harder to hear the kindness in your refusal to be a seer.

I’m just not sure I have the strength.

Still, in the face of it, I seek you and you let me find you. We argue about time, circumstance, outcome. We talk about our magnetic pull in despair. We vote unanimously for exhilaration.

I cultivate you then shove you away. With even more force, I summon you back. Awkwardly, we reconcile. You haul me back.

-the intensity of the sensation. The vulnerability to our environment.

A sweet moment where we are grateful to have such a love, for one midwinter minute.

Before our hike, I was thinking how hard this last couple of months have been. An act of love gone wrong. Jobless and insecure, thinning my own voice. Once loud and confident, turned uncertain and beat down. Goodbyes flit from each others hearts as car bombs in Bagdad and Kufa end six dozen unnamed lives. As others prosper, children go hungry. And to punctuate the cliche’, I wallow in self-pity as another lives life with no legs.

But when the snow falls, I stop thinking about illness and accidents and war, and I stand with you to watch the slow drift. Years from now, we’ll forget that I tried to take my life, that an intense love choked at our thoughts. I’ll remind you then, faced doped with an addiction to laughter, that once there was a trail where we were walking, fingers intertwined, air hushed with sun light. And we let go of our meanness. Mindful to not displace the past, but to move on and smile at one another… I was smiling for you who never wanted to leave. I was only grateful to be there, you holding me again.

Flying dreams do not exist by daylight, but who will stop me from believing in them? I search in the air for others who have actualized their dreams. In my soul, I can see anything I wish. In it’s untidy crevices, I seek the gauze of me, who will lead me, who will save me from this place. No one soars,  but noone falls either, which is sad. I have no fear of falling, alone through all this. Though what seem only dark possibilities, I propel myself when my choices narrow and I forage for light. I will not be lied to, even by myself.