So over it.

Someday I’ll be forgive for all this sulking and shit kicking.

no word of mine will ever hurt you

the weight of you

…through what seem like only dark possibilities, you propel me.

Choices narrow as I forage for light.

I gave you a standing ovation as you entered the room. I try to absorb the storm of polysyllables. I try to understand the words with my name in front of them. You urge me to listen harder to hear the kindness in your refusal to be a seer.

I’m just not sure I have the strength.

Still, in the face of it, I seek you and you let me find you. We argue about time, circumstance, outcome. We talk about our magnetic pull in despair. We vote unanimously for exhilaration.

I cultivate you then shove you away. With even more force, I summon you back. Awkwardly, we reconcile. You haul me back.

-the intensity of the sensation. The vulnerability to our environment.

A sweet moment where we are grateful to have such a love, for one midwinter minute.

meaty pulp

I swear to god, I can’t scream hard enough or loud enough to truly express my frustrations.

Part time lover, full time friend.

I hope for always

It’s warm for Salt Lake in late December- But still cold enough for snow, snow made light and fat by a sweep over the great lake, its flakes like down from a split pillow. We’re walking on the north, above our city, hand in hand, the skyline visible through the bare trees. The path runs between dense sun kissed snow walls, invading the rocky ground around the normally high traffic path. Our girls nipping at one another in great examples of what its truly meant to be alive.

Before our hike, I was thinking how hard this last couple of months have been. An act of love gone wrong. Jobless and insecure, thinning my own voice. Once loud and confident, turned uncertain and beat down. Goodbyes flit from each others hearts as car bombs in Bagdad and Kufa end six dozen unnamed lives. As others prosper, children go hungry. And to punctuate the cliche’, I wallow in self-pity as another lives life with no legs.

But when the snow falls, I stop thinking about illness and accidents and war, and I stand with you to watch the slow drift. Years from now, we’ll forget that I tried to take my life, that an intense love choked at our thoughts. I’ll remind you then, faced doped with an addiction to laughter, that once there was a trail where we were walking, fingers intertwined, air hushed with sun light. And we let go of our meanness. Mindful to not displace the past, but to move on and smile at one another… I was smiling for you who never wanted to leave. I was only grateful to be there, you holding me again.

Flying dreams do not exist by daylight, but who will stop me from believing in them? I search in the air for others who have actualized their dreams. In my soul, I can see anything I wish. In it’s untidy crevices, I seek the gauze of me, who will lead me, who will save me from this place. No one soars,  but noone falls either, which is sad. I have no fear of falling, alone through all this. Though what seem only dark possibilities, I propel myself when my choices narrow and I forage for light. I will not be lied to, even by myself.

because it can be beautiful to be so fucked up

notes: Trek’s Madone features a unique bottom bracket

…that’s 90mm wide (traditional ones are 68mm wide). This wide bottom bracket lets Trek build the frame with larger tubes for increased power transfer. Plus, the 90mm bottom bracket is machined so that the bearings can be placed directly into the frame (image) saving weight (due to fewer parts), ensuring additional pedaling efficiency and simplifying maintenance and repair.

The BB90 is on all the 5 and 6 series madones.

Most bottom bracket shells have an internal thread to accept bottom bracket bearing units from numerous manufacturers. If these threads are not in acceptable condition, they may need preparation. Threads may need realignment, or may have weld splatter from manufacturing that prevents the threading of the bearings. Traditional is basically english and italian threading. There are some older threaded standards, but they’ve all been obsolete for some time now.

tough K

I want to understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. I realize that although it is over,  my relationship was unique and special in a lot of ways. I congratulate myself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage my heart that even though it didn’t work out this time, there will be a next time. The most important thing  is to be absolutely honest and never edit myself as I go. Patterns may become clearer, and as my grieving begins to lessen, I’m sure I will find it so much easier to “get” valuable life lessons from the whole experience. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you’re meant to be. I want to allow at least the learning part to enrich my life. However, None of this inner processing makes the lip any less fatter. I guess that’s love for you.

irh